Happy Pride!
Flags, Stories, our Shared Efforts to Live Well...
It may have been the shameful way in which U.S. immigration went about welcoming my wife into this country. It may have been the countless images blasted over all media sources during the Trump years of white supremacists and the like touting the American flag as though it were an extension of their penis’. Or maybe it was the tears I have seen in myriad mothers’ faces the world over who upon hearing that I am from The States cry from memories rising of war after war taking their children to fight against another battle being fought in the name of some far away peoples odd definition of freedom. I don’t know exactly how it occurred or when but at some point, the American flag no longer made me feel pride but fear.
Upon entering back into my homeland last month, I was invited to attend a community gathering where all were encouraged to come and voice their feelings regarding safety, inclusion, etc. especially in regard to the LGBTQ+ community. Coming from Thailand, where such matters are far less fodder for tension and political drama, I was shocked at how my native country, even after all the battles fought around the globe in the name of so-called “freedom” still gets squeamish when bodies of culture walk proudly into any given place. My wife’s sister’s daughter was once a male. Now she is welcomed and lovingly embraced by her country as the women she identifies as. There is no need for a community gathering or a month of pride to empower her. You might say that Thailand is “woke” in this regard, but some things seem so basic that it shouldn’t require focus groups or training or community gatherings to initiate, yet here we are, in the Land of the Free, battling over things that, to be frank, are simply none of our business.
June has been recognized as Pride Month, a month to show solidarity with everyone. Unlike other months that select a specific certain identity or story to pay respects to, Pride Month and the flag that symbolizes it was created to be inclusive of all walks of life. Whether gay, queer, white, red, black, trans, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, American, Senegalese, capitalist, a fan of football or a fan of soccer, all are included. Yet, the rainbow flag manages to trigger many, as I was to learn at the gathering I attended. Many now seem to have associated the rainbow flag with a theological war that wishes to make straight people gay, to make capitalists into socialists, to make Christians into worshipers of the devil, etc.
In some way, I can understand this fear. The truth is, flags do trigger people. My wife’s family, in Laos, for example, associates the American flag with bombs flying over their home. Laos, who had nothing to do with the war the Americans were fighting in Vietnam one day, for reasons that still remain a mystery, decided to fell bombs over there forests and fields which resulted in the deaths of countless innocent family members all with dreams and children and mothers and fathers of their own. It was the U.S. flag that flew over the planes that brought terror to their land. So now when they see the American flag, understandably, they are afraid.
Yet, unlike this heartbreaking scenario, at least to my recollection, I have no knowledge of a time when a group of trans men/women rallied through anyone’s neighborhood with rainbow flags flying, lit by tiki-torches, with the intent to destroy anyone’s way of life, to force anyone to live as they do. Heck, maybe this has happened, lord knows I am unaware of many things, but I am pretty sure this has never occurred. The rainbow flag, unlike the American flag does not bring with her bombs, but the simple message that Here, All Are Welcome.
About a week ago I was riding my daughter into town on my bike. As I approached main street I noticed a rather large group of very large white men in tight t-shirts and jeans, pulling American flags from a truck and drilling them into the sidewalk lining the business along the way. I had heard that several members of the Proud Boys (a well know American white supremacist group) had recently been arrested. Due to many conscious and unconscious associations fear swelled up in my body. Knowing that pride months would begin soon and having heard how some members of our community had violently reacted to pride month last year I was convinced these men were pre-emptively attempting to overshadow pride month with an onslaught of star-spangled banners. Having seen images like this before I was scared for many of my friends and family. What were they hoping to do!? I rode my bike rapidly through town to make sure my family was safe. When my family saw me, they noticed I was pale and as I, in a state of panic, told them not to make eye contact with these men, to remain calm and small and invisible, my friend, who could intuit what was going on, gently touched my shoulder and informed me it was Memorial Day, these men were not enemies.
The stories we tell ourselves impact us in monumental ways, consciously and unconsciously. We can easily convince ourselves that one group of people has ill intentions while the other is “right”. The fact is, any of us, placed in certain conditions will act out either in love or in fear, with wisdom and skill or ignorance and tomfoolery. My reaction came from a place of both ignorance and fear and made me realize how many in my town must feel when they see my friends and I placing rainbow flags around our shared home. Flags scare people. And having seen what the U.S. flag represents to many oversees, I understand why.
Humbled, embarrassed, and ashamed, I mustered up the courage to go meet some of the men who were putting American flags up. I shook their hands and thanked them for their courage to fight for what they believe in. It is no simple thing to go into war. And I admire their bravery. I don’t agree with the approach they take, but I don’t need to agree with them in order to respect their own struggle to live well. Just as they don’t need to agree with my niece for being trans, or my daughters’ godmothers for being gay in order to protect them and make them feel safe. We can love each other regardless of agreeing with each other’s choices. This is possible. And in doing so, maybe we won’t freak out when we see each other’s flags, as did I when I saw the U.S. Flags, and instead notice the touching, noble, mutual effort we all share to build better lives for our children. Yes, we must accurately address the dark realities behind certain narratives, this is imperative, as uncomfortable as it may be. But first we must see each other as the fragile, beautiful humans we are, all seeking a decent life, all wishing to love and be loved. And this, to me, is what Pride Month is all about.
When I laid my guard down and sat with those men and listened to their stories, I found not monsters trying to shut out my story but fellow humans trying to be seen. Granted, there were some who were absolutely trying to shut out my story. Just like my queer friend who decided yesterday to post an image on social media stating his hope that “All homophobes feel uncomfortable for the next month”. But most, like me, just hadn’t taken the time to learn about the “other side’s” reality and as such had grown fearful.
I have so much respect for community organizers making the effort to bring all walks of life together at this time. It isn’t easy work, and sadly, in some cases it is dangerous. But arguably, this action is more important now than ever before. As we grow increasingly homogenized, ever farer away from those whose lives run a different course than ours it behooves us to actively find ways in which we can come together with the seeming opposition in neutral, mutually beneficial ways. If you have the time, courage, heart and will to do so, please try and organize a gathering that brings together those whose views are in stark contrast. Make food, break bread, keep it simple. Above all, listen. Chances are, we have much more in common than we think.
Happy Pride!
-(((BIG SHOUT to all the new PAID SUBSCRIBERS!! Your generosity touches my heart and offers me more time to resreach, reflect and hone my craft. It means more than you know. From the bottom of my heART::: THANK YOU)))-
Song of The Month: We Are Family by Sister Sledge